Friend or foe, which is a better choice for someone on your team? It might be your foe according to Robert Greene who wrote The 48 Laws of Power.

Law 2: Never put too much trust in friends, learn how to use enemies

Be wary of friends – they will betray you more quickly, for they are easily aroused to envy. They also become spoiled and tyrannical. But hire a former enemy and he will be more loyal than a friend, because he has more to prove. In fact, you have more to fear from friends than enemies. If you have no enemies, find a way to make them.

Robert Greene

Sometimes, there is a reason why people keep friendships and work separate. How well do you think you know your friend? It is kind of odd, but I find people are more willing to share their inner most secrets or insecurities with strangers than their friend – especially when it may be something used against them. There seems to be comfort in placing some distance with between you and your friends.

Let’s take this example. A friend comes to you for a favor. A position opens up at your office and they ask for your recommendation and support. When you first think about the situation, you believe it could be very beneficial for you to hire them. To gain an ally on your team will strengthen your position of power in the company, especially in a swing vote decision. There is one small problem – your friend is less qualified for the job than someone internally. Should you hire your friend – after all, they will cover your back. Is that more important?

You decide to hire your friend and they mess up at work. How quickly do you take action? What is the approach you take with your friend – is it the same as a colleague? You discuss the situation with them. Does your friend play the “friend card”? Do you feel guilty?

If you decide to soft peddle your approach, do you think your friend realizes the impact of their actions. Is it possible your friend believes they have skirted the issue because you are watching out for them? And what do you do when there is a repeat performance? Does that put you in a more difficult position?

Your lack of forthrightness may work to your disadvantage. It is tough to deliver negative feedback to a friend. You may think your relationship with them outside of work might falter. If another situation arises, the tendency will be to swing the pendulum to either side – more lenient or taking the big hammer approach to solve the problem. In either scenario, your friend is likely to lose loyalty with you. As you become more lenient, your friend may believe they have more rights, which can lead to perceived favoritism. Your staff will become resentful. If the approach is more punitive, they will question why they have lost your support and may retract it with you.

It seems like a lot of things to think about.

In the second situation, the internal person applying to the position is one of your nemeses. You have butt heads with them a number of times on projects. They have the qualifications for the position and you wonder why they would consider working for you. It is not obvious to you to take them on as an employee. Here are some reasons to ponder:

  1. Giving someone a chance to someone who is the underdog often brings out the “I’ll show them I am the best person” attitude. That’s a win-win for the employee and manager.
  2. You are more likely to get candid feedback from your foe than your friend. The threat of damaging a personal relationship is not an issue.
  3. Your foe will appreciate your support more than your friend. The friend expects it, the foe respects gaining it.
  4. Skills will outperform “watching the bosses back” over time.
  5. The sweetest victory is winning over an enemy.

So, is it impossible to have your friend on your team? I believe it is possible, just not probable. It requires a fundamental understanding of the differences and balances of power in the relationship – in and outside of work. That separation is difficult to manage effectively and takes tremendous effort and energy to be successful. Most bosses have too many other things to focus on than to preserve a friendship while making difficult decisions at work. What are your experiences?